Let teens and young adults own their own problems & solutions. Even in our self-esteem culture, winning isn’t everything. Winning builds confidence; failing and trying again builds character. Keep trying to get through to your child no matter what, and you set that example. The teen culture that says it’s cool to be hard, there are no rules, and everything can be trashed is really hard to live with, if you’re a dreamy optimist like me.

The kids have a saying, “Save your drama for your Mama.” Sometimes you just want to hide from the hysterics and avoid the irritation and confrontation, but you must stick up for what you believe as a parent. If you’re divorced, you have to drag your ex along, too. But the opposite of caring is not conflict; it’s indifference. It’s your job to set limits and enforce them. When family members don’t care, they don’t argue. They say, “I’m fed up, I just can’t put up with their stuff.” And that’s when you see the family that’s no longer in touch; they no longer get together for holidays and special occasions.

To find help in setting boundaries and saying no, invite the parents of your children’s’ friends over for brunch or pizza, work at a school function, or just call and introduce yourself, so you can be in touch with each other when there’s a question about something. It’s helpful to hear how different parents handle things. Co-ed sleepover parties after a dance or prom are popular in our area, but it was new to me, so I called a few parents to find out what the deal is.

Accept that no matter what you say, don’t say, or do, your teen may appear to be allergic to you. In high school, your teen may even be “spoiling the nest” on purpose, to make it emotionally easier to leave. At a time in your life when you often wonder if you’re “losing it,” your teen will be glad to assure you that, yeah, you are. Be affectionate and open even if your efforts are not acknowledged, but set clear expectations of their behavior, its consequences, and how you want to be treated.

Avoid anger, threats, and power struggles; calmness and respect wins, anger and lecturing lose. “Grandma will be disappointed if you don’t come” beats “Because I said so!”

Anticipate tricky situations by asking questions like “What would you do if Heather met some guys and asked you to go with her in their car?” A safe place to bring this stuff up is riding in the car, and shopping trips are great places to find out what’s going on in their heads. Between the ages of 17 and 21, there will be drinking going on at their parties. I think it’s better to ‘fess up to it, instead of tip-toeing around and everybody pretending it’s not happening.

Discuss who’s going to be the designated driver on the way home, and make it clear that your child can duck into the bathroom, call you on the cell phone if things aren’t going well, and you’ll come and park around the corner for a cool, minimal-explanation pick-up.

Remember how the discomfort of your ninth month of pregnancy made you ready to give birth? The teen years make you ready to give birth to a college student or working adult! God definitely has a plan!