It’s strange, isn’t it? Our culture is saturated with sex – sex on television, in music, in the movies, in a store window in the mall. Yet the last taboo of sex is a man and a woman talking honestly and in detail about what they want.

There’s a desire for the whole thing to happen spontaneously, without each partner having to submit a flowchart for the other to follow. Why can’t this be the one area of our lives that glides along naturally, without having to be illustrated in 27 8×10 photos with circles and arrows and an explanatory paragraph on the back of each one?

Well, because it can’t, that’s all. He can’t read your mind and you can’t read his. He wants to show you a good time in the sack and think “I’ve still got it!” But only one person can teach him how to get it right, and that’s you.

Before we trot out the tricks and tips, we have to dump a few myths about sex, communication, and change. First, we have to trash the attitude that men instinctively know all about sex. Because they seem so focused on sex, women believe that they actually know what to do. But experience tells us otherwise, so we will have to function as his personal GPS device. “At the T intersection, kiss me for at least 30 seconds, caressing my hair and stroking my face. Reverse with your tongue. At the next intersection, make circular and loving motions and at least act like you’re really into it. You have arrived at your destination.”

Women also fear that their lover’s ego won’t be able to handle direction, and certainly the whole conversation has to handled in a positive way. Which do you think will have a better outcome – “I need more foreplay!” or “MMMM, let’s slow down, I’m really enjoying that!”? Sarcasm and criticism never work, and you certainly don’t want to trot out all the tired old baggage, all those problems that’ve cropped up over the years.

Not talking about it is another communication faux pas that we’ve all tried. Hoping problems will go away can be a prudent strategy in a few select situations, but in the case of moving your sex life forward it’s a bad idea. You can’t play it “safe,” pretend it’s not happening, and fast forward through the uncomfortable parts of these discussions.

Adam Sandler tried to fast forward through the less enjoyable parts of his sex life in the movie Click, only to discover that it was hard to go back and slow down again later. His wife suggested a massage before sex and his mother asked his father for the same thing, but what are these women really asking for? More stroking, more caressing, more caring for each other and less of the wham, bam, thank you ma’am approach! So all I can say is Click! – giving a massage must be important! It must be a great way for you both to explore what you like without saying a word.

Your skin is your body’s biggest organ, so it makes sense to literally rub each other the right way. No problem finding massage oil – it’s everywhere these days! Every drugstore and supermarket has a selection, including a whole rainbow of products from the venerable K-Y company. In six scents and with a version that “warms on contact,” the thing that really stands out about the K-Y Touch Massage products is the way they can multitask. Back in the day, you couldn’t use massage oil in certain areas and you couldn’t use “intimate moisturizers” as massage oil and you couldn’t use either one anywhere near your bed sheets or a condom! The Touch Massage products have put an end to all that exclusivity, since the label says they’re for “massaging all over the body, even in your most intimate areas,” they’re non-staining, and the website says the products are condom compatible.

Make a homemade massage table using a six-foot utility table covered with a quilted mattress cover and flat sheet. Set the mood with the right temperature – warm but not steamy – and some low light, candles, and soothing music. Flip a coin to see who goes first. If you’ve had a professional massage, you may be able to wing it, starting with a back rub and moving down to the buttocks and thighs while always avoiding pressing directly on the spine. If you want some instruction, follow the Basic Massage Therapy DVD or The Art of Sensual Massage book and DVD set, both available on Amazon.com.

Moaning and saying “That feels great” or “Stay on that spot for a while” lets your lover know what feels really good, and lessons learned on the massage table can be extended to your sex life. Even if the experience makes you feel a little sleepy at first, a massage usually leads to a frisky bedroom session. But the greatest benefit of your massage adventure will be the fact that you set aside time to do something sensual for each other and rediscovered every inch of your lover’s skin. Hopefully, massage will be the beginning of teaching him to “rub you the right way” and will be just one trick in your bag of bedroom fun! See Is it HOT in here or am I just HOT? for more ideas.

*”27 8×10 photos with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one” is from the l969 song Alice’s Restaurant, by Arlo Guthrie